I am sharing this detailed account of a life lived with ADHD for anyone who might resonate with my experiences or seek insight into what it’s like living with this utterly confusing yet often overwhelming condition. My diagnosis is ADHD with a combined inattentive/hyperactive presentation. ADHD is a complex condition that can impact people very differently. Yet, I believe sharing can demystify some of the challenges and help others feel less hopeless.
I always knew "something" was different
My journey with ADHD began long before I knew what to call it. From a young age, I've always felt distinctly different from my peers, a feeling that was both confusing and sometimes isolating. It wasn't until I was 32 years old in 2013 that I finally put a name to this feeling, ADHD. Prior to this, social interactions, my general way of approaching "typical" things and every confusing attempt at trying to reach normalcy reminded me that something was off, but without knowing why.
For example, something as simple as reading a book became a mammoth task. I could read the words, but my mind would dart frantically from one thought to another, never allowing me to move past the first page. This issue made school a challenge, yet I somehow managed to navigate it with effort and sense of grinding it out, especially at exam times, where out of nowhere I could cram huge amount of information into my head in intense bouts of focus that seemed to come from nowhere.
First experience of ADHD as an adult
Despite these challenges, I found a more suitable environment in college where hands-on learning played to my strengths. Here, I not only managed to cope but also to do quite well, earning a master’s degree which, ironically, later contributed to doubts about the legitimacy of my diagnosis.
Transitioning to the workforce introduced new challenges. I secured a position in the technology sector, where the constant new things to learn and problem-solving nature of my work initially suited my erratic focus and interest-based nervous system.
However, the mundane and routine tasks were torturous, exposing the difficulties of managing ADHD in a structured work environment without the flexibility and accommodations of academia. I'm sure this was mostly invisible to others, but I was in inner turmoil, confused and lost. On top of everything, I also wasn't sleeping well at all and things were getting worse. This is something that started in my late teens and not resolve until my late thirties.
Launching a business as a coping strategy
The global financial crisis led to a sudden job loss in 2011, and with it, a critical turning point. Thinking I was absolutely just one step away from being exposed as a lazy fraud by working for others, I acted on a long-held, albeit impulsive, aspiration to start my own company.
Within days of losing my job, I registered a new business, driven by a profound fear of being exposed as incompetent if I were to work for another employer.
By mid-2013, the business had begun to take shape with two full-time employees. Despite the success, the internal struggle with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD persisted, sleepless nights filled with relentless thoughts and a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy plagued me. Even as the business grew, clearly proving me wrong, I constantly felt like I was getting away with it and I'd be soon found out any day now.
An accidental diagnosis
The unexpected catalyst for finding out about ADHD came out of nowhere after having a cold. In 2013, I took an over-the-counter medicine that, surprisingly, quieted my usually noisy brain somewhat for a few hours. It wasn't a subtle effect, it was very noticeable, it was like my head turned down the volume on multiple inner thoughts spinning around. I was able to focus and pay attention better, I didn't have as much task-initiation anxiety and just had an overall sense of some calmness, this was all very new to me. The effect would last for maybe two to three hours.
This effect, noted by a perceptive pharmacist during a repeat purchase, led to his suggestion to consult a doctor about potential attention issues. That medication had a similar effect as those used to treat ADHD and usually does not affect people like that.
I'd never heard about ADHD before, I certainly had never looked into if there was anything in particular making me so inconsistent, lost and erratic. This encounter eventually guided me towards a formal diagnosis of ADHD over the next six months between visits to my GP, Psychiatrist and a Clinical Psychologist.
So, unexpectedly I had some answers to explain this eternally confusing way of being, but now what?
My "ADHD is a Superpower" phase
We have lift off, the diagnosis was a turning point. For the first time, I was prescribed medication specifically for ADHD, which had an immediate and life-changing impact. The mental clarity and focus it provided were indescribable, allowing me to engage with my life and work in ways I had never before managed. It felt like the world had slowed down for a few hours each day and I could stop, plan and follow-through with things.
My personal life flourished as a result, with the business also expanding rapidly over the next three years. With my newfound ability to concentrate in new ways, articulate my thoughts more clearly, and a newly acquired ability to plan into the future somewhat, I thought that I had everything solved.
However, over time, the benefit of medication was weaning and I'd not addressed the condition in other ways, nobody ever suggested I should, I just assumed that all I needed to do was just take this medicine and all would be fine.
I was completely deluded and would find out the hard way.
My "ADHD is a Curse" phase
Empowered by medication and some crude awareness of what ADHD was, I pushed the business to grow, but my unchallenged and untrained ADHD traits of impulsivity and a relentless desire for more led to over-expansion, over-committal and self-destruction.
The initial success blurred into a period of unsustainable growth, and the lack of a clear, focused strategy soon became apparent. The business, once a source of confidence, structure and pride, began to falter as the very traits that had driven its creation now threatened its survival.
For the first time in five years, we were losing staff, losing customers and everything just felt like it was going off the rails. My sleeping troubles that had abated mostly since my ADHD treatment began, returned, I didn't sleep much at all through the final two years of the business, things felt bleak.
Confronting Failure
The end of the business was painful. I had pushed too far without brakes, leading to the deterioration of a very promising company. My urge to grow it whenever things became routine was relentless. I failed to recognise or understand how ADHD could influence my actions.
The collapse of the business forced me to confront the destructive aspects of unchecked ADHD, my tendency to fixate on new opportunities at the expense of sustainable paths, and the oscillation between intense productivity and complete stagnation.
Eventually, I had to sit down with long-term employees and tell them they had lost their jobs. This was shameful and painful, convincing me I was a liability to others. It was a real low point.
After weeks of goodbyes, the day came when I was alone in the office, surrounded by empty desks and memories. I was left to legally wind down and liquidate the business, selling assets to get out cleanly without debt. This slow process was filled with constant reminders of what I felt I had built up and thrown away. It was hard for me to reconcile who I even was at this point, where did I start and where did ADHD fit into my identity.
This painful period was crucial for my learning and growth. I began to understand the importance of managing ADHD differently, not just with medication but through structured support and increased self-awareness. It took a few years and different paths, but I eventually got there.
Denial and rejecting ADHD
After my business collapsed in 2018, I felt rudderless and disillusioned. I doubted the reality of ADHD, thinking it might be an excuse for my failures. I stopped taking my medication at times, believing I could outsmart it.
Seeking help in Ireland proved frustrating. Medical professionals often dismissed my diagnosis. One even questioned how someone with a master’s degree could have ADHD, exacerbating my feelings of hopelessness. A particularly dismissive doctor scoffed at my medication, suggesting ADHD was over-diagnosed and not legitimate. His comments stuck with me, despite my ridicule.
The lack of access to the specialised care needed left me feeling alone in my struggles. Though I am lucky to have people close to me, I had no language to articulate my struggles. I became more isolated and shut down. The search for effective treatment became demoralising, furthering my resolve to just get on with life, ADHD or not. Maybe the whole thing wasn't real, and I just needed to accept it.
So, after a period of not working, I "just got on with it" and worked for four years. The experience had its highs and lows, but something internally felt broken. There was no consistency in me anymore. I had lost the "spark" I seemed to have after being diagnosed. I resigned myself to the fact it would never return.
After leaving the job, I spent months ruminating, thinking "I'll never be successful" and "I'm just lazy," wishing I was never diagnosed with ADHD in the first place.
A breakthrough, finally
Since 2022, I've been living in Barcelona, and one of the many positive consequences of that move is the medical services I have access to here, which have been completely game-changing for me.
Unlike in Ireland, it wasn't a prolonged ordeal to find and get appointments in the specific areas I needed. I started to get the answers I'd craved through access to proper help and support. People were finally listening to me and understood what I was going through. They even seemed a little dismayed that I had presented in the state I did after being diagnosed for over a decade, but they got me out of my rut and back on my feet.
One of these new interventions was my exposure to ADHD coaching and therapy. From the first session, I started to hear things I wish I had heard back in 2014. In reality, I didn't even know what ADHD truly was, despite thinking I did. Everything starts improving from a point of better self-awareness, but being challenged when I needed to be and, basically, being listened to has really turned my relationship with ADHD around once and for all, it feels.
Living with a new perspective
As I was going through this process of dealing with ADHD in a new way, I was actually on the brink of trying to raise money to start another business, a tech platform, a return to what I know just because I've done it before, I'd spent time preparing for it and had been building up plans and forecasts, even reaching out to others who potentially might join in its formation.
While I feel like I could take that challenge on, or even happily work for another company with my new awareness and ways of operating, which was where I wanted to get to through coaching and therapy, it became clear that an alternative career could be much more rewarding for me. Almost certainly not financially, but chasing status, money and big-dreams for the sake of it doesn't equal contentment or happiness.
So, inspired by the support I received, I found out that I could and so I trained to become a certified ADHD coach myself, aiming to align a career with my own experiences, values, strengths and an emerging aspiration to support others navigating the utterly confusing and often tormenting nature of living with ADHD.
To the future,
Gary
